Parenting....that is all that the world really needs.
When I am a mother, I will teach my child how to love herself, howto stand up for herself, how to protect herself from verbal abuse, but more importantly, how to see that she is worth the whole world.
I am not starting about my dad since he leaves and comes, and leaves again, to me it feels like he isn't around at all when I need him, I cannot depend on him. I just don't feel like he will be around when I really will need help. I don't feel that fatherly love besides just giving presents just to make sure I shut up.
My mother, I love her, she takes care of me and my brother, she is all on her own working hard to maintain us. And I can truly say I am never going to starve when she is around at least.
However, being around her feels good and feels like she loves me in a certain way only because I am her daughter.
But to be honest, I just wish she could be a bit more motivating.
I know that what I do is not to be compared to how hard she works....however I would love it if I could hear a compliment or two on my artistic skills....for example...instead of just hearing what I SHOULD be making instead of the anime crap I draw.
I wish I could hear a compliment when I say I will sell my stuff on a convention, and how hard I am working for that...instead of hearing that this isn't a real job and I should get something better...
I wish I could hear from her that I am working hard and I am soon going to get a job if I keep trying, instead of only hearing that how much older I get, how much less I am wanted. And how I am going to end with nothing at all.....
But yet she is hurt when I say that I kept my Asthma a secret for a long time because I don't want her to bother with my problems, since I am an adult who can manage perfectly well on her own. She says then what's the point of her being for me.
I know it's my fault for keeping a secret, but I still remember what she told me back when I was in middle school and I had to go to appointments with a psychologist because I had serious issues.
She told me to start acting normal because she doesn't have time for all these issues....
Since then I refused any help for therapy, or psychologist, or doctors, everything in general because I don't want to bother her....I want to be normal just like she wanted me to be. Yet that's not possible.
I know that in her eyes I am just a lazy girl trapped in a weeb world that draws anime crap, watches anime, and plays video games.
That's all she sees me do.
When she is out working from 8 till 6. I do her taxes, I take care of her cat, I get on the computer and arrange insurances, I pay her bills, I go shopping for things that's needed for her cat, I arrange my brother's school meetings and make sure he works hard on his school, I am trying to find a job, I make dinner. I make sure the house is clean, and I try to find possible ways to earn at least a little bit of money.
At nighttime. I draw, illustrate, and I sew cosplays.
At Nighttime is when she comes and she sees me doing all those time wasting 'things '
but she doesn't understand that the important stuff is being done when she isn't around....but...that's just how small her view is and it hurts me when she tells me I do nothing useful. And I can never talk with her about it, because we will end up fighting, and she wants to be right, and I just have to give in and tell her I am a horrible daughter and she deserves my respect. I just have to swallow everything even if it hurts, and accept the fact that I am just a piece good for nothing shit....
Besides this, I still love my parents by the way....I just wish I could love myself the way I love them.
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