As most know, 2016 isn't really one of my favourite years.
Many reasons for this. My almost 20 year old cat passed away, so did my grandfather. All in just a few weeks apart.
It's also the year with the end of my relationship. And the start of a new one.
I lost friends, gained a few.
Lately I feel that I am distancing myself. My reason for this is, I am having issue's trusting people. I've always had this. As a child I had to live everyday in fear because my supposed 'caretaker' beated me up. she was my own family. Yet she verbally and mentally abused me, and made me believe I make my mother suffer.
I went to a psychologist for this. I did a education where I have to force myself to make contact with people. So it helped me to get over that horrible anxiety.
Besides the abuse, I was pestered and bullied at school. Those people who bullied me still think it's okay to greet me cassually as if nothing happened. Yet I remember every single thing they ever did to me.
Thanks to the abuse, I considered myself unworthy, worthless, a pain in the ass, not worth anyone's attention and friendship. I down graded myself, I found myself ugly, and unappealing. It explains why I probably was always rejected. I don't have a great personality. And people like to joke about that. It's fine tho. I am so used to being used as a joke, that even until now I just laugh about it, telling my mind, it's not true, it's just a joke.
Sadly enough. From inside I feel my insides hurt themselves as I am trying to force myself to look cool.
People look up to me, I wanna be cool, I wanna be a nice person, I want to be an inspiration, I want to be someone you can trust and lean on.
But....even I can run out of fuel and batteries.......
Exactly one year ago, I tried to commit suicide. Yes. I got fed up being seen as the weak link, and good for nothing, I wanted to do everybody a favour and get rid of myself. However, I am a coward. Jup. I am too scared to feel pain. which is why I hesistated.
These dark clouds occacionally came back to my mind, this year, isn't a good year at all, but I forced myself to be strong, because I don't want to be seen as too weak.
However. I noticed that not everybody understands this. Because I try so hard on being so cool and though, people think I have a thick skin, and that I don't mind jokes about my weaknesses, or anything in particular, everybody expects me to being able. To handle a lot. So I don't blame them.
However, nobody was really there, to comfort me, and tell me, how I am handling the break up of my relationship....? I know. I actually was pretty calm about it. Deep inside however....I was hurt, crying, there wasn't a night in my life where I didn't thought about it. I kept blaming myself for not trying hard enough. And again I was too scared to actually....ask for help. Because I know as soon as I do, people will brand me as WEAK.
Even now, I know I have a new relationship and I am happy about it, but I am still sad about the previous one...even tho I am best friends with her, and everthing is fine between us. There are just things I am NOT happy about.
I am a sensitive mess of a person this year. I don't see enjoyment in anything at all, I get irritated quickly, especially at people who think it's funny to run around and saying "NOBODY LOVES ME BOOHOO IMMA END MYSELF"
For goodness sake. You receive 400+ messages how people love you, yet you are blinded to even see that. And I know I am not one to speak, but I don't publicly announce it till now. Because I am suffering.
Yesterday I lost a friend, said I wasn't worth it cus I never reached out. Good to know I am not only a bad person, but also a bad friend.
And I know there are people who probably hate my guts yet act civilised with me. That is fine. As long as I don't find out. Because at this point more disappointments will just kill me.
The funny thing is, I never share anything like this directly. I don't want to worry anyone, I don't want pity, I don't want people tho think I am weak in general, because before you know it they wanna start helping you, advising you to see a therapist, or anything particular, and I am not up to that. I don't want therapists, I want friends who listen to me, and take into consideration that even I have my moments where I just want to hear something like "Gloria , it's alright, you tried, and you keep trying, and you will get there. You are strong, you can do it. Gloria you have talent, Gloria you're a wonderful friend that I can depend on, Gloria you can TRUST me." Because at this point....I feel like I can't trust people easily, even if I want to, because I love and enjoy my time with most of my friends. But sometimes I keep thinking back...to everybody who hurts my feelings...slowly, one by one....and I think to myself "yeah right...what if they are talking behind my back now? What if they think I am weak? Or stupid? Or any of that? "......but I know that's not the truth in most cases.
I just hope people can understand that I need...air at times, I need good and happy times, I need my confidence back. I just want to feel good about myself someday. I want to be happy.
