You know what's needed?

Parenting....that is all that the world really needs.

When I am a mother, I will teach my child how to love herself, howto stand up for herself, how to protect herself from verbal abuse, but more importantly, how to see that she is worth the whole world.

I am not starting about my dad since he leaves and comes, and leaves again, to me it feels like he isn't around at all when I need him, I cannot depend on him. I just don't feel like he will be around when I really will need help. I don't feel that fatherly love besides just giving presents just to make sure I shut up.

My mother, I love her, she takes care of me and my brother, she is all on her own working hard to maintain us. And I can truly say I am never going to starve when she is around at least.

However, being around her feels good and feels like she loves me in a certain way only because I am her daughter.
But to be honest, I just wish she could be a bit more motivating.
I know that what I do is not to be compared to how hard she works....however I would love it if I could hear a compliment or two on my artistic skills....for example...instead of just hearing what I SHOULD be making instead of the anime crap I draw.
I wish I could hear a compliment when I say I will sell my stuff on a convention, and how hard I am working for that...instead of hearing that this isn't a real job and I should get something better...
I wish I could hear from her that I am working hard and I am soon going to get a job if I keep trying, instead of only hearing that how much older I get, how much less I am wanted. And how I am going to end with nothing at all.....

But yet she is hurt when I say that I kept my Asthma a secret for a long time because I don't want her to bother with my problems, since I am an adult who can manage perfectly well on her own. She says then what's the point of her being for me.
I know it's my fault for keeping a secret, but I still remember what she told me back when I was in middle school and I had to go to appointments with a psychologist because I had serious issues.
She told me to start acting normal because she doesn't have time for all these issues....
Since then I refused any help for therapy, or psychologist, or doctors, everything in general because I don't want to bother her....I want to be normal just like she wanted me to be. Yet that's not possible.

I know that in her eyes I am just a lazy girl trapped in a weeb world that draws anime crap, watches anime, and plays video games.
That's all she sees me do.

When she is out working from 8 till 6. I do her taxes, I take care of her cat, I get on the computer and arrange insurances, I pay her bills, I go shopping for things that's needed for her cat, I arrange my brother's school meetings and make sure he works hard on his school, I am trying to find a job, I make dinner. I make sure the house is clean, and I try to find possible ways to earn at least a little bit of money.
At nighttime. I draw, illustrate, and I sew cosplays.
At Nighttime is when she comes and she sees me doing all those time wasting 'things '
but she doesn't understand that the important stuff is being done when she isn't around....but...that's just how small her view is and it hurts me when she tells me I do nothing useful. And I can never talk with her about it, because we will end up fighting, and she wants to be right, and I just have to give in and tell her I am a horrible daughter and she deserves my respect. I just have to swallow everything even if it hurts, and accept the fact that I am just a piece good for nothing shit....

Besides this, I still love my parents by the way....I just wish I could love myself the way I love them.

Suffering

As most know, 2016 isn't really one of my favourite years.
Many reasons for this. My almost 20 year old cat passed away, so did my grandfather. All in just a few weeks apart.

It's also the year with the end of my relationship. And the start of a new one.

I lost friends, gained a few.

Lately I feel that I am distancing myself. My reason for this is, I am having issue's trusting people. I've always had this. As a child I had to live everyday in fear because my supposed 'caretaker' beated me up. she was my own family. Yet she verbally and mentally abused me, and made me believe I make my mother suffer.

I went to a psychologist for this. I did a education where I have to force myself to make contact with people. So it helped me to get over that horrible anxiety.

Besides the abuse, I was pestered and bullied at school. Those people who bullied me still think it's okay to greet me cassually as if nothing happened. Yet I remember every single thing they ever did to me.

Thanks to the abuse, I considered myself unworthy, worthless, a pain in the ass, not worth anyone's attention and friendship. I down graded myself, I found myself ugly, and unappealing. It explains why I probably was always rejected. I don't have a great personality. And people like to joke about that. It's fine tho. I am so used to being used as a joke, that even until now I just laugh about it, telling my mind, it's not true, it's just a joke.

Sadly enough. From inside I feel my insides hurt themselves as I am trying to force myself to look cool.
People look up to me, I wanna be cool, I wanna be a nice person, I want to be an inspiration, I want to be someone you can trust and lean on.

But....even I can run out of fuel and batteries.......

Exactly one year ago, I tried to commit suicide. Yes. I got fed up being seen as the weak link, and good for nothing, I wanted to do everybody a favour and get rid of myself. However, I am a coward. Jup. I am too scared to feel pain. which is why I hesistated.

These dark clouds occacionally came back to my mind, this year, isn't a good year at all, but I forced myself to be strong, because I don't want to be seen as too weak.

However. I noticed that not everybody understands this. Because I try so hard on being so cool and though, people think I have a thick skin, and that I don't mind jokes about my weaknesses, or anything in particular, everybody expects me to being able. To handle a lot. So I don't blame them.

However, nobody was really there, to comfort me, and tell me, how I am handling the break up of my relationship....? I know. I actually was pretty calm about it. Deep inside however....I was hurt, crying, there wasn't a night in my life where I didn't thought about it. I kept blaming myself for not trying hard enough. And again I was too scared to actually....ask for help. Because I know as soon as I do, people will brand me as WEAK.

Even now, I know I have a new relationship and I am happy about it, but I am still sad about the previous one...even tho I am best friends with her, and everthing is fine between us. There are just things I am NOT happy about.

I am a sensitive mess of a person this year. I don't see enjoyment in anything at all, I get irritated quickly, especially at people who think it's funny to run around and saying "NOBODY LOVES ME BOOHOO IMMA END MYSELF"

For goodness sake. You receive 400+ messages how people love you, yet you are blinded to even see that. And I know I am not one to speak, but I don't publicly announce it till now. Because I am suffering.

Yesterday I lost a friend, said I wasn't worth it cus I never reached out. Good to know I am not only a bad person, but also a bad friend.

And I know there are people who probably hate my guts yet act civilised with me. That is fine. As long as I don't find out. Because at this point more disappointments will just kill me.

The funny thing is, I never share anything like this directly. I don't want to worry anyone, I don't want pity, I don't want people tho think I am weak in general, because before you know it they wanna start helping you, advising you to see a therapist, or anything particular, and I am not up to that. I don't want therapists, I want friends who listen to me, and take into consideration that even I have my moments where I just want to hear something like "Gloria , it's alright, you tried, and you keep trying, and you will get there. You are strong, you can do it. Gloria you have talent, Gloria you're a wonderful friend that I can depend on, Gloria you can TRUST me." Because at this point....I feel like I can't trust people easily, even if I want to, because I love and enjoy my time with most of my friends. But sometimes I keep thinking back...to everybody who hurts my feelings...slowly, one by one....and I think to myself "yeah right...what if they are talking behind my back now? What if they think I am weak? Or stupid? Or any of that? "......but I know that's not the truth in most cases.

I just hope people can understand that I need...air at times, I need good and happy times, I need my confidence back. I just want to feel good about myself someday. I want to be happy.

Why...

I am a 25 year old woman, I admit my life is not perfect, I still live with my mom and little brother. I mostly spend my days doing crafty stuff and spending on being a trash on youtube and tumblr. Yeah. That's how I ussually relax, and I am happy. I don't need anything more, just this sweet relaxing life. I am fine by myself. Okay I might get depressed when I feel like an failure, but I get over it, I stay determined and I try to proof myself, yo Gloor, you are totally okidoki yo! You are fabulous, flirty, and cute as fuck. Even if you are lazy at times, or imperfect, you are okidoki, your personality makes up for it.

And thus I can say I am extreemly satisfied and happy. I have great great friends too, lots of them, a lot of people I can care about and share my love with if they allow it.

But then why......

I promised the start of 2016, that it will be a wonderful year, I will MAKE progress, and I will get trough it....but then...why in such short time.....do I get this slap in the face...

It started with pet algae eater dyieng, not one day later, my sweet cat passed away. the cat I loved and care about, for over 19 years.
Today I get a message my grandfather passed away, I am left without any grandfathers now.

Why....is...this happening to me? Why is this happening at once? What did I do, to make my loved ones die so quickly one after another? What will be next? Who is next on the list to be taken from me? Is this fair? Do you guys find this fair?

It faith playing a trick on me? Is faith trying to challenge me?
Why is Death being such a FUCKING asshole?!

Am I being punnished for something?........what did I do bad?.....
I feel like my world is just being thorn apart.....I feel frustrated, angry, and pissed off, I am cryingmy eyes out, as I have been doing the past few days.

I am...so happy with myself...then this happends...what should I be thinking now then? I feel anger, and I feel like nobody can really getto the level of feelings I am having now....it's one hot mess....of emotions...burning.And all I can do.....is get angry at everything and everybody, everybody who complains about the stupiest things.....


OH WAT YOU CANT BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF FOR WHATEVER REASON!? SO SAD! GUES WHAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEVER CAN BE HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY FUCKING STOPPED BREATHING. YES THEY ARE DEAD, THEY REACHED THE END OF THEIR LIVE, AND MOST COMPLAIN ABOUT WHATEVER FUCKING STUPID REASON ABOUT THEMSELF.

AW YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH ATTENTION? GO BACK TO PRESCHOOL, ENOUGH SHIT THAT WILL GIVE YOU ATTENTION! DON'T YOU GO CRYING ON EVERYBODY FOR IT LITTLE WHIMPS.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, HOW WE LOVE THEM DON'T WE?
COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN EASILY PREVENT, YES DO IT. BUT GUES WHAT. YOU CANNOT PREVENT SOMEONE FROM DYIENG. YOU CAN EASILY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT CAN I SAVE SOMEONE FROM PASSING AWAY!? I CANNOT.

....I said horrible things I know it.....I am in a sad and horrible place now....I am suffering. I am suffering a lot, yet I don't have the strength to call out for help....I feel like slowly just taking it all in and keeping it inside..... I feel helpless, and I feel like I don't want to bother anyone....I know...I should ask for help....I should reach out to my friends and tell them that I am suffering inside.....that I am hurt....but I can't...not now....I feel like a ball of explosion, I feel angered at the moment.....I need time to rest, I need time to cope with this and reset my emotions back to zero......I just wish I was a bit stronger....

I am sorry. I needed to write this. I will keep quiet now...and wait for it all to pass...ignore it if you want......or....think about it....