Suffering

As most know, 2016 isn't really one of my favourite years.
Many reasons for this. My almost 20 year old cat passed away, so did my grandfather. All in just a few weeks apart.

It's also the year with the end of my relationship. And the start of a new one.

I lost friends, gained a few.

Lately I feel that I am distancing myself. My reason for this is, I am having issue's trusting people. I've always had this. As a child I had to live everyday in fear because my supposed 'caretaker' beated me up. she was my own family. Yet she verbally and mentally abused me, and made me believe I make my mother suffer.

I went to a psychologist for this. I did a education where I have to force myself to make contact with people. So it helped me to get over that horrible anxiety.

Besides the abuse, I was pestered and bullied at school. Those people who bullied me still think it's okay to greet me cassually as if nothing happened. Yet I remember every single thing they ever did to me.

Thanks to the abuse, I considered myself unworthy, worthless, a pain in the ass, not worth anyone's attention and friendship. I down graded myself, I found myself ugly, and unappealing. It explains why I probably was always rejected. I don't have a great personality. And people like to joke about that. It's fine tho. I am so used to being used as a joke, that even until now I just laugh about it, telling my mind, it's not true, it's just a joke.

Sadly enough. From inside I feel my insides hurt themselves as I am trying to force myself to look cool.
People look up to me, I wanna be cool, I wanna be a nice person, I want to be an inspiration, I want to be someone you can trust and lean on.

But....even I can run out of fuel and batteries.......

Exactly one year ago, I tried to commit suicide. Yes. I got fed up being seen as the weak link, and good for nothing, I wanted to do everybody a favour and get rid of myself. However, I am a coward. Jup. I am too scared to feel pain. which is why I hesistated.

These dark clouds occacionally came back to my mind, this year, isn't a good year at all, but I forced myself to be strong, because I don't want to be seen as too weak.

However. I noticed that not everybody understands this. Because I try so hard on being so cool and though, people think I have a thick skin, and that I don't mind jokes about my weaknesses, or anything in particular, everybody expects me to being able. To handle a lot. So I don't blame them.

However, nobody was really there, to comfort me, and tell me, how I am handling the break up of my relationship....? I know. I actually was pretty calm about it. Deep inside however....I was hurt, crying, there wasn't a night in my life where I didn't thought about it. I kept blaming myself for not trying hard enough. And again I was too scared to actually....ask for help. Because I know as soon as I do, people will brand me as WEAK.

Even now, I know I have a new relationship and I am happy about it, but I am still sad about the previous one...even tho I am best friends with her, and everthing is fine between us. There are just things I am NOT happy about.

I am a sensitive mess of a person this year. I don't see enjoyment in anything at all, I get irritated quickly, especially at people who think it's funny to run around and saying "NOBODY LOVES ME BOOHOO IMMA END MYSELF"

For goodness sake. You receive 400+ messages how people love you, yet you are blinded to even see that. And I know I am not one to speak, but I don't publicly announce it till now. Because I am suffering.

Yesterday I lost a friend, said I wasn't worth it cus I never reached out. Good to know I am not only a bad person, but also a bad friend.

And I know there are people who probably hate my guts yet act civilised with me. That is fine. As long as I don't find out. Because at this point more disappointments will just kill me.

The funny thing is, I never share anything like this directly. I don't want to worry anyone, I don't want pity, I don't want people tho think I am weak in general, because before you know it they wanna start helping you, advising you to see a therapist, or anything particular, and I am not up to that. I don't want therapists, I want friends who listen to me, and take into consideration that even I have my moments where I just want to hear something like "Gloria , it's alright, you tried, and you keep trying, and you will get there. You are strong, you can do it. Gloria you have talent, Gloria you're a wonderful friend that I can depend on, Gloria you can TRUST me." Because at this point....I feel like I can't trust people easily, even if I want to, because I love and enjoy my time with most of my friends. But sometimes I keep thinking back...to everybody who hurts my feelings...slowly, one by one....and I think to myself "yeah right...what if they are talking behind my back now? What if they think I am weak? Or stupid? Or any of that? "......but I know that's not the truth in most cases.

I just hope people can understand that I need...air at times, I need good and happy times, I need my confidence back. I just want to feel good about myself someday. I want to be happy.