Neighbours.

You know what I hate a lot?
I have people who think they are the world.
But you know what I hate even more?
Those people living in my neighbour.

Now I do not complain about my next door neighbour, they are turkish, but so far, the greatest neighbours I've ever had! The woman oh she is always sweet, and she would even give us free meat! And when my brother forgets his keys, he's always welcome to wait at her home, and he even bought her a bapao as thanks. xD

They helped us to! When we were locked outside the house, they managed to crack the door open without damaging it! And the man taught me how to repair my bike! Yes they are great.

But let's talk about the rest of the neighbour.
For example, the neighbours living just behind my home.

The man, he's okay, the woman, absolutely not.
Worst neighbour ever, she was nice the first few years after we moved in.

But everything changed when my parents divorced, for some reason, all the parents in this block would look down on my mother, even if she did no shit wrong. They would blame my brother for everything, they would let their kids pick on my little brother, and do no shit about it.

This woman thinks she owns the whole neighbourhood, that she own everything, that every kid is her kid and she has the right to yell at them and tell them to clean up everything, but her children? Oh they are angels, they do nothing, even if her son is the spoilest little brat I've ever seen, he would insult everybody, but according to his mom, he did nothing wrong, he was an angel. to her.

Plus she is freaking histerical, I can hear her scream from up my room, like what the fuck.

Yes I really feel looked down upon by most of my neighbours, us all, except for the ones next door. My mother is a really good mother, she is strict and knows how to raise her children more than most of the mothers in this neighbour. She doesn't deserve to be looked down on.

:: Love. ::

Remember being a little girl, I always used to tell my mom.
"I wanna marry a handsome prince who is smart and carring! <3 "
She still thinks that way, not that I mind. But I used to love those thoughts.

But. I feel unhappy.
I feel unease, and I don't know what to do with it anymore.
It annoys the crap out of me. And I just get annoyed, and annoyer of it.

I thought I could handle it. But....it's just getting me.
I want to feel protected and loved to you know. I don't just want to give, because I believe that's all I am doing, and to be honest, it's making me sick.


At this time, I wish I could turn fucking time. I am sick and tired of it.
Bah. It's always me. me. me and me, and EVERY single DAY.
So no. I am not desperate for anything at all, I just wish I was a cute little girl, without any worries, and not having someone ranting every single day.
I wish I was a guy.

It's as if I am not allowed to be happy at all! Like today, I  had a good walk with my brother trough Amsterdam, I visited my friends, and talked, and made everything ready for the weekend.

But as soon as I come home, It's fucking drama all over again, and it ruins my mood because I am always the one to get blamed. I am appareantly to insensitive, and cold, and all I can hear are rants and rants.
Apareantly, I am always the one doing the bad.

And now, we get fucking called after midnight, for more drama. What the FUCK, seriously, this is the worst ever.

I feel like being single now.

Public Transport

Now, I have two rants for today.

First. PUBLIC...TRANSPORT.

What the hell, fuck ASDFGHJKKL!
Yesterday was the serious LIMIT!
Why is it EVERYTIME public transport has to fuck up the day.
I can start countin how many hours in totaly Public transport has wasted from me!
Only because they SUCK at announcing.

Yesterday again Me and a friend had to take the bus, we were so relaxed, we left early, and the bus fucking leaves 5 minutes earlier! WHAT?! 5 minutes earlier? Why? It's vacation season now so busses leave 5 minutes earlier. :D
BULLSHIT!

And then the train has like 15 minutes delay, we go take the other one, ithas5 minutesn delay, I get to the station and I wait for the Metro, it doesn't drive, so I have to get in a stinky warm Metro in which they turned the Heather on while it's 26 DEGREES OUTSIDE! and then go to the metro I'm suppose to have.

And on my way back home, I wanted to take the buss, it says it will leave at 17:58, the app on my dyieng Iphone says 17:55, so it left, I sit there waiting for the next one....then fucking buss drives away past me!!! It was 18:05 and the buss was suppose to come at 18:15!!!

What the FUCK! I just want to scream at somebody about this shitty transport we have here in Holland!!
Most terrible transport ever, I can't believe they cope us up with these pieces of crap! It's a good thing they don't make us students pay for this fucking shit!!!

But even so in the weekend it's the same song over and over! And when I have to pay they cope me yet again with crap. It's a nightmare, like taking all the money from my transport card because their fucking checking out machines don't work!! What the FUCK!

HOLLAND! IMPROVE YOU PUBLIC TRANSPORT DAMNIT!!!

I am irritated.

As you can see.

Yes...I am irritated.
I try hard to work today, normally I should be at school, but, since I have my work here, and am to Lazy to waste an hour traveling, I just make it here at home.

But then, my fish has a tumor on it's head, and it incurable. I had to freaking cry because I REALLY REALLY DID NOT..want to kill it. And nobody was home, so I was basically crying to myself, shaking, holding a little pan of some oil, and the fish in a bowl, and then waited for it to die in it's sleep, and flush it down the toilet.
I was hurt because....I don't like to do these kinds of things, but I stayed calm, I did what I had to do.
Then I went back to work.

BUT OF COURSE, workblock, I need to do shores, so okay I did them quickly, time to go back to freaking school. But my mother keeps calling me to give me more shores, I love to do them, but woman I have school to do!! Maybe I should just have gone to school and worked there instead! So much distractions, god!

So I made it clear to her that I want to work, so plz, stop calling. She finally got the clue, she left me alone.
Finally I can stress less and get this shit done.

As I was thinking that everything is going according to plan, I had to fucking argue with my GF about stupid things, and like always my irritable bowels syndrome is hurting me again, for getting angry and annoyed.
I have nobody to turn to now, so then I just go freaking talk, to the computer, yes, the computer.
This is my dairy I can use to puff out my anger to. It doesn't talk back but WHATEVER!

And then more shit comes around, I have to write a fucking huge letter of blah, for my parents, and I am already feeling miserable, and sick about everything.

I just go comfort myself in a corner, and keep making homework and tell myself jokes to cheer up.

~School~

I have.....2D to make, some vormgeving, a psychologie essay, culture history, and a Clayanimation project.

I must tell you I am not a person to make homework at all, unless it's VERY important, then I do.
it's a lot of homework, and I already feel faint thinking about the quantity of it.

So what I do, I go to class, I sit, and I listen and take notes, I have an urge to check my facebook or tumblr, but my mind tells me, NO GLORIA....FOCUS! If you're behind with something, then the bitching will be against you. Not vice Versa.

So as much as I dislike class, I have to pay attention.

Now I am a slacker, oh yes, I can sit around and read a whole Wiki site about teenage mutant ninja turtles.
Or checking tumblr, instead of, helo? Doing something valuable?

Yeah I slapped myself in the head for this majority of time, so I go to making homework, or make some drawings in which I think "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING"
And then it's dinner time and I'm like, geez...I'm so stupid for wasting an hour time reading a wiki, or checking tumblr.

My mother told me, the internet is not walking away Gloria, make the work that has limit, and pay less attention to the eternal things.
And Okay, she is right, it's time to hyperfocus on my school work, I love going on vacation with a clear mind.
Instead of tormenting myself with the lack of time, let me make use of my valuable time and finnish this shit up!

So Yes, I am going into hyper work mode~!

Be happy you can eat whatever you want.

Since lately.....I've been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome.

It means that my guts....gets very upset for about the slightest things....
Mostly milk products, I can't have them anymore, I can't have to much tomatoe either.
and Fat, or junkfood, yeah.....can't have those either.

So I woke up today morning, my mother prepared me breakfast.
A half sunny side up egg and gigantic bread full of sunflower pits.
Then normaly I would get a big bowl of milk and cereals, or chocolate milk.
But I got a bowl of warmed up applejuice. And tommorrow I will get a bowl of tea probably.

Each time I stress, like yesterday, I actually hurt myself in the guts.
My guts are so weak, they hurt me like hell.
Sometimes I would feel naucious, because my guts are also upsetting my stomach.

I actually have to live in a stress-free inviorement, just like Hulk.
But that's to much luxery, I can't ask for it.

Besides, ever once in a Week, I will always remember the Demons from my past.
It's not like I want to, but they come back and haunt me, shoving everything I suffered for in my face.
I try to lock them away as long as I can, but they just keep comming back and hang clouding around my head.
I become quiet, outzoned, and locked up.
It's not because I am not listenning or disliking you.
But I was traumatized for life..

And now I have sensitive guts. I can't eat whatever I want and I can't stress or worry because it will hurt myself a lot.

I just want to say, to be happy you don't have such demons like I do......

Sometimes, I don't even....

I come across things in the news, I come across things on the internet.
Yet I, myself, wonder, how can I be happy with everything going on around me, how can I keep myself positive from breaking down mentally?

Oh, don't think I'm a spoiled girl living a fairly rich life with loving parents, and having all the money in the world.
Oh no.....

I came to Netherlands, when I was 1 year old, my parents were illegals, they didn't know a word dutch, and they had to work like horses in the beginning.
I needed a babysitter, so they called in a family member, and let me tell you, the following years were hell.
I got beaten up everyday, I got forced to eat 3 full plates of beans and rice until I puke, I got pulled on my hair, I got blamed for breaking things that I never did, I got thrown around on the ground.

And I still am a fairly good positive person now....

I never was able to watch the series I always wanted to watch.....I know I should have known them like ages ago, I should have watched them......
Everytime I did tried, the TV get turned off and I was locked up in my room.

Fear not, I have two loving parents, and I do not blame them for not being there when I needed them.
I do not blame them for not having noticed in how much fear I lived, I don't blame them for not hearing my cries when I begged them not to go to work, I don't blame my parents for having to work the whole night until next day leaving me alone with....THAT..person.
They didn't know...and I never told them until I was 15.
But they had to work, they had to work for my future, I don't blame them at all....I still love them..

My whole childhood...this person told me my mother was suffering, because of me.
I loved my mom.....I would never wanted to make her cry, but appareantly, I did, and I did not know why...I hated myself for making mother cry, I hated myself, so much....

I didn't know dutch, I went to school, on my first day, everyone laughed at me, because I spoke weird, and I lost my shoe.
But as soon as the fun was over, I got ignored, because I did not know any dutch.....
Older students even came to me, a 4 year old girl, and laughed at me, because I knew no dutch. And I never understood why they laughed, I just hoped they liked me....

When I got older and with a lot of help in order to improve my dutch language, then my ears finally opened up,and I understood this ...language of dutch.
Children would act nice on my first day moving to a new school. (I moved to 6 schools.) but afterwards they would just act as if I was nothing, as if I was no good being, being racist, spitting at me, punching me in the stomach, telling me they were my best friends, and the next day telling me I was not their best friend. Being in groups and then teasing me in groups. Even the teachers thought the same, I had teachers who really didn't like me.......and again I got blamed for things I did not do, but the teachers ignored it.

You might think now, you should have punched them back, and show them their place.

Well.....yes I should have, but being raised up by a psychotic bitch who beated me daily....no...I did not know, my mentaly was fucked up, how was I suppose to know they weren't suppose to bully me? If It happened everyday around. And I did not want to make my mother sad....
No I didn't know....

So yes...I didn't had a good childhood....yet...I am so...positive..about everything now.....how can I even?..

In Highschool, my parents divorced, my mother has to work so hard, and has so much pain about it to, and I had to EVErYDAY, take care of my little brother, pick him from school, bring him to school, do things parents are suppose to do for their child. Yes....I never had time to go out, to be with friends because of that....someone even told me "Go tell your mother she should go take care of your little brother for once."....but why should I?...she works for us...if she didn't work, she couldn't pay our food, our school and our house?.....
I guess...I really became a bad friend because of that.....sorry for being a horrible bad friend because I find my mother more important than hanging out.

Yet....I am so loving...and caring...and kind....so positive about life.....about everybody...

I got my schoolmoney stolen 2 times by my dad, 2000 euros first time, second time 3000 euros. he left me literally hanging on so little money to live on, and now he is surrounded by debs from everywhere, I wouldn't even know how to survive if I were him.
I have money now though, enough to pay my school with, but I have this much money..because I barely buy expensive things, and I safe up as much as I can, and when I want to treat myself, I grab some, when I want to help friends, I give them help, then I'll just have to....work hard in order to gain it back again...

So yes I am always late on having the newest technology in, whatever...I don't have much money, but when I have, with safing with so much care, I do go for it, and get used to it.....I am a fast learner once I have such thing in hands everyday.

My little brother, got neglected so many times by me as a little kid, mainly, because I though he was annoying, but maybe if I should have....treated him well...maybe he shouldn't be asking as much attention as he is doing now....I love my little brother now, but I treated him bad....when he needed me the most....so yes I am actually a VERY...bad..horrible sister...yet I am trying hard, to bring my little brother back to the top how he is supposed to be....my little brother is my everything, he is my little baby......and sometimes...I get hurt....when I hear he is being neglected and ignored by other kids, because that's the way I felt when I was little...I know, he is annoying....but he is little...and he needs to learn so much...but he will never learn from people who neglect him......

I got basically dumped by my friends in high school, for stupid reasons, after so many things I did for them.
I am a friend, I can be a good friend to, if I can't hang out, whenever they need me, I am there, whenever they need a place to stay, I have my door open, when they need food, I give them my food because I can miss it, sometimes, I can even starve, but as long as they have a full stomach, I am good, I can lend them money to buy things, and never get it back because...I am not a person who asks back money, it's just not right to me, but if I never get it back, then I guess that's okay, I can work them back.
But I am also a friend who listens to everything, to cry and feel together with others.....to make them cute stuffs they like.....
And yet they thought popularity is more important than having me around...

My parents divorced 2 times.....and on the second one I found out my dad had a daughter with an other woman.
I was heartbroken because I felt replaced....
but...I fell in love with this little girl....and now she got taken away from us......


Now......all I can do...is think...positively about life.....because.....I am tired of putting on a mask with a smile on it.....no.....I am happy for friends...but has someone wondered, if I really am Happy?...

I can say...I appreciate so much....I appreciate every little kindness given to me..I appreciate having friends, I appreciate being alive, I appreciate my mother always working hard, and my little brother for showing me, how I really should feel......I sometimes wonder....am I appreciated?...maybe I should appreciate myself?.....but that's just silly..
Though sometimes...I think...I am a bad friend and daughter, a bad friend because....I have no time to hang out to long...because I help my mother everyday...and a bad daughter, because sometimes I don't understand the pain my mother is going trough working so hard for us.....and then there I am, raising her electricity bills, and water bills......

But in overal....I try to be a good person....and I write this message....to show that I probably...had a pretty...horrible..shitty life...(but not as shitty as those poor people who basically have...nothing!)..but I can still smile...and be happy....for you, and tell you every morning "Good morning!" With a smile.