Why...

I am a 25 year old woman, I admit my life is not perfect, I still live with my mom and little brother. I mostly spend my days doing crafty stuff and spending on being a trash on youtube and tumblr. Yeah. That's how I ussually relax, and I am happy. I don't need anything more, just this sweet relaxing life. I am fine by myself. Okay I might get depressed when I feel like an failure, but I get over it, I stay determined and I try to proof myself, yo Gloor, you are totally okidoki yo! You are fabulous, flirty, and cute as fuck. Even if you are lazy at times, or imperfect, you are okidoki, your personality makes up for it.

And thus I can say I am extreemly satisfied and happy. I have great great friends too, lots of them, a lot of people I can care about and share my love with if they allow it.

But then why......

I promised the start of 2016, that it will be a wonderful year, I will MAKE progress, and I will get trough it....but then...why in such short time.....do I get this slap in the face...

It started with pet algae eater dyieng, not one day later, my sweet cat passed away. the cat I loved and care about, for over 19 years.
Today I get a message my grandfather passed away, I am left without any grandfathers now.

Why....is...this happening to me? Why is this happening at once? What did I do, to make my loved ones die so quickly one after another? What will be next? Who is next on the list to be taken from me? Is this fair? Do you guys find this fair?

It faith playing a trick on me? Is faith trying to challenge me?
Why is Death being such a FUCKING asshole?!

Am I being punnished for something?........what did I do bad?.....
I feel like my world is just being thorn apart.....I feel frustrated, angry, and pissed off, I am cryingmy eyes out, as I have been doing the past few days.

I am...so happy with myself...then this happends...what should I be thinking now then? I feel anger, and I feel like nobody can really getto the level of feelings I am having now....it's one hot mess....of emotions...burning.And all I can do.....is get angry at everything and everybody, everybody who complains about the stupiest things.....


OH WAT YOU CANT BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF FOR WHATEVER REASON!? SO SAD! GUES WHAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEVER CAN BE HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY FUCKING STOPPED BREATHING. YES THEY ARE DEAD, THEY REACHED THE END OF THEIR LIVE, AND MOST COMPLAIN ABOUT WHATEVER FUCKING STUPID REASON ABOUT THEMSELF.

AW YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH ATTENTION? GO BACK TO PRESCHOOL, ENOUGH SHIT THAT WILL GIVE YOU ATTENTION! DON'T YOU GO CRYING ON EVERYBODY FOR IT LITTLE WHIMPS.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, HOW WE LOVE THEM DON'T WE?
COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN EASILY PREVENT, YES DO IT. BUT GUES WHAT. YOU CANNOT PREVENT SOMEONE FROM DYIENG. YOU CAN EASILY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT CAN I SAVE SOMEONE FROM PASSING AWAY!? I CANNOT.

....I said horrible things I know it.....I am in a sad and horrible place now....I am suffering. I am suffering a lot, yet I don't have the strength to call out for help....I feel like slowly just taking it all in and keeping it inside..... I feel helpless, and I feel like I don't want to bother anyone....I know...I should ask for help....I should reach out to my friends and tell them that I am suffering inside.....that I am hurt....but I can't...not now....I feel like a ball of explosion, I feel angered at the moment.....I need time to rest, I need time to cope with this and reset my emotions back to zero......I just wish I was a bit stronger....

I am sorry. I needed to write this. I will keep quiet now...and wait for it all to pass...ignore it if you want......or....think about it....