Sometimes, I don't even....

I come across things in the news, I come across things on the internet.
Yet I, myself, wonder, how can I be happy with everything going on around me, how can I keep myself positive from breaking down mentally?

Oh, don't think I'm a spoiled girl living a fairly rich life with loving parents, and having all the money in the world.
Oh no.....

I came to Netherlands, when I was 1 year old, my parents were illegals, they didn't know a word dutch, and they had to work like horses in the beginning.
I needed a babysitter, so they called in a family member, and let me tell you, the following years were hell.
I got beaten up everyday, I got forced to eat 3 full plates of beans and rice until I puke, I got pulled on my hair, I got blamed for breaking things that I never did, I got thrown around on the ground.

And I still am a fairly good positive person now....

I never was able to watch the series I always wanted to watch.....I know I should have known them like ages ago, I should have watched them......
Everytime I did tried, the TV get turned off and I was locked up in my room.

Fear not, I have two loving parents, and I do not blame them for not being there when I needed them.
I do not blame them for not having noticed in how much fear I lived, I don't blame them for not hearing my cries when I begged them not to go to work, I don't blame my parents for having to work the whole night until next day leaving me alone with....THAT..person.
They didn't know...and I never told them until I was 15.
But they had to work, they had to work for my future, I don't blame them at all....I still love them..

My whole childhood...this person told me my mother was suffering, because of me.
I loved my mom.....I would never wanted to make her cry, but appareantly, I did, and I did not know why...I hated myself for making mother cry, I hated myself, so much....

I didn't know dutch, I went to school, on my first day, everyone laughed at me, because I spoke weird, and I lost my shoe.
But as soon as the fun was over, I got ignored, because I did not know any dutch.....
Older students even came to me, a 4 year old girl, and laughed at me, because I knew no dutch. And I never understood why they laughed, I just hoped they liked me....

When I got older and with a lot of help in order to improve my dutch language, then my ears finally opened up,and I understood this ...language of dutch.
Children would act nice on my first day moving to a new school. (I moved to 6 schools.) but afterwards they would just act as if I was nothing, as if I was no good being, being racist, spitting at me, punching me in the stomach, telling me they were my best friends, and the next day telling me I was not their best friend. Being in groups and then teasing me in groups. Even the teachers thought the same, I had teachers who really didn't like me.......and again I got blamed for things I did not do, but the teachers ignored it.

You might think now, you should have punched them back, and show them their place.

Well.....yes I should have, but being raised up by a psychotic bitch who beated me daily....no...I did not know, my mentaly was fucked up, how was I suppose to know they weren't suppose to bully me? If It happened everyday around. And I did not want to make my mother sad....
No I didn't know....

So yes...I didn't had a good childhood....yet...I am so...positive..about everything now.....how can I even?..

In Highschool, my parents divorced, my mother has to work so hard, and has so much pain about it to, and I had to EVErYDAY, take care of my little brother, pick him from school, bring him to school, do things parents are suppose to do for their child. Yes....I never had time to go out, to be with friends because of that....someone even told me "Go tell your mother she should go take care of your little brother for once."....but why should I?...she works for us...if she didn't work, she couldn't pay our food, our school and our house?.....
I guess...I really became a bad friend because of that.....sorry for being a horrible bad friend because I find my mother more important than hanging out.

Yet....I am so loving...and caring...and kind....so positive about life.....about everybody...

I got my schoolmoney stolen 2 times by my dad, 2000 euros first time, second time 3000 euros. he left me literally hanging on so little money to live on, and now he is surrounded by debs from everywhere, I wouldn't even know how to survive if I were him.
I have money now though, enough to pay my school with, but I have this much money..because I barely buy expensive things, and I safe up as much as I can, and when I want to treat myself, I grab some, when I want to help friends, I give them help, then I'll just have to....work hard in order to gain it back again...

So yes I am always late on having the newest technology in, whatever...I don't have much money, but when I have, with safing with so much care, I do go for it, and get used to it.....I am a fast learner once I have such thing in hands everyday.

My little brother, got neglected so many times by me as a little kid, mainly, because I though he was annoying, but maybe if I should have....treated him well...maybe he shouldn't be asking as much attention as he is doing now....I love my little brother now, but I treated him bad....when he needed me the most....so yes I am actually a VERY...bad..horrible sister...yet I am trying hard, to bring my little brother back to the top how he is supposed to be....my little brother is my everything, he is my little baby......and sometimes...I get hurt....when I hear he is being neglected and ignored by other kids, because that's the way I felt when I was little...I know, he is annoying....but he is little...and he needs to learn so much...but he will never learn from people who neglect him......

I got basically dumped by my friends in high school, for stupid reasons, after so many things I did for them.
I am a friend, I can be a good friend to, if I can't hang out, whenever they need me, I am there, whenever they need a place to stay, I have my door open, when they need food, I give them my food because I can miss it, sometimes, I can even starve, but as long as they have a full stomach, I am good, I can lend them money to buy things, and never get it back because...I am not a person who asks back money, it's just not right to me, but if I never get it back, then I guess that's okay, I can work them back.
But I am also a friend who listens to everything, to cry and feel together with others.....to make them cute stuffs they like.....
And yet they thought popularity is more important than having me around...

My parents divorced 2 times.....and on the second one I found out my dad had a daughter with an other woman.
I was heartbroken because I felt replaced....
but...I fell in love with this little girl....and now she got taken away from us......


Now......all I can do...is think...positively about life.....because.....I am tired of putting on a mask with a smile on it.....no.....I am happy for friends...but has someone wondered, if I really am Happy?...

I can say...I appreciate so much....I appreciate every little kindness given to me..I appreciate having friends, I appreciate being alive, I appreciate my mother always working hard, and my little brother for showing me, how I really should feel......I sometimes wonder....am I appreciated?...maybe I should appreciate myself?.....but that's just silly..
Though sometimes...I think...I am a bad friend and daughter, a bad friend because....I have no time to hang out to long...because I help my mother everyday...and a bad daughter, because sometimes I don't understand the pain my mother is going trough working so hard for us.....and then there I am, raising her electricity bills, and water bills......

But in overal....I try to be a good person....and I write this message....to show that I probably...had a pretty...horrible..shitty life...(but not as shitty as those poor people who basically have...nothing!)..but I can still smile...and be happy....for you, and tell you every morning "Good morning!" With a smile.